Retired Toronto detective Steve Ryan talks to AW’s Anna Liza Kozma about his debut non-fiction work where he reflects on six homicides among the more than hundred that he investigated.
ALK: You describe writing The Ghosts that Haunt Me (Dundurn Press, 2022) as “a way to box up some of the darkest moments of my career and keep them somewhere safe.” How difficult was it to relive the details of these stories? Did capturing them on paper in this way bring some relief? Can you talk about how?
SR: The book certainly stated as a way for me to cast out a lot of the, frankly, traumatic experiences that stuck with me after my time working as a homicide detective in Toronto. I probably didn’t take care of my mental health as much as I could have when I was a homicide detective. As all first responders know, being among the first to arrive at a scene following a murder, a car accident, a robbery, or really any kind of tragedy, is highly traumatic. There is chaos and confusion, often what is left at the scene of a crime is the aftermath of extreme violence and gross loss of life. Of course, that’s the job I signed up for – and I think I told myself that because I had dedicated my life to policing, the mental toll the job took was just a part of doing business. It wasn’t until after I retired that I realized how hurt I was psychologically. The Ghosts that Haunt Me was a way to rid myself some of that hurt. Sort of an exercise of journaling. I wrote to expel the memories from my head. Of course, these memories and the victims of the homicides I investigated will always be with me. Somewhere along the line Ghosts turned into more than a journaling exercise, and into what it is today.
ALK: In some of the sections of the book you re-enact events leading up to a murder. For example, you imagine the desperation of a young girl, locked in a cupboard in a Toronto apartment, with no one coming to rescue her. You also describe what a murderer could be thinking before and after they’ve killed someone. These descriptions are as heart-rending as they are gripping. What gave you the idea to get into the heads of the victims and the perpetrators and write about the cases from their perspectives? Is this a technique you developed as a homicide detective?
SR: There are two parts to this answer. The first part pertains to the psychology of the people who committed murder. The reason I was capable of writing believably from the perspective of these individuals is because I interviewed them, trying to get the details of their actions and motives before, during, and after the murders they committed. I have spent countless hours in interview rooms at police stations talking to people who have committed murder, getting evidence with which the Crown attorneys can build their cases. For this reason, I believe I have a fairly intimate knowledge of what goes on in the minds of people who kill other people. The second part of this answer is more difficult. Of course, I have never spoken to the victims of the murders I investigated. The only way I know them is through the stories their families have shared with me, and the evidence left behind of who they were when they walked this earth. To describe what I think is going on in the mind of someone who believes they are in their last moment of life, or who feels very unsafe and scared, I must rely on my empathy alone. I have put myself in the position of the people whose homicides I have investigated because they are an ever present force in my life. I am always thinking about them.
ALK: You write a great deal in the book about families – victims’ families and your deep desire to keep your own family safe from harm. In the acknowledgements you thank your daughter for working with you on the book. How was that for you? And how did work together on such difficult material?
SR: My daughter was someone I turned to while writing this book, to help me frame my perspectives on cases, and to help me recall details about the cases from so many years ago. Having someone to turn to while writing, to confide in when you’re feeling stuck on a part, or to assess the quality of your writing is, in my opinion, incredibly important. Having someone to confide in during the writing process was very important, and it was very special to me that that person could be my daughter. Undoubtedly the material was difficult to work on for me, and I am grateful to her for working through the material with me as an advisor.
ALK: Do you read or watch detective fiction and have you ever thought about writing your own?
SR: After leaving the office, making the long drive home, and finally having a moment of peace – where I can think about something other than homicide for the first time in a very long stretch of time – the last thing I wanted to fill my time with was additional stories of murder and mayhem. I have therefore never been a particular fan of detective fiction, not because I don’t think it’s compelling or entertaining, just because it hits too close to home. When I want to turn my mind off, as one does when engaging in a piece of fiction, I don’t like to be reminded of work. I have not thought about writing my own detective fiction. I fear, while I have no shortage of “detective stories”, my stories would be burdened by unnecessary details that would make it true to real life but boring to read.
ALK: How and why did you decide to write this book as a work of non-fiction? Did you consider using the same material but presenting it in a fictionalized form?
SR: I elected to write Ghosts as a non-fiction book because writing it as a work of fiction removed an element of authenticity that I believe is really important in telling this sort of story. It felt inauthentic to write about real people and their real experiences, coveting the details and pretending this was all some story I made up in my own head. Even masking the names of people who really lived with a name I fabricated didn’t feel honest. I think one of the powerful things about this book is that it is a marker of true events that really happened. The contents of the book are a telling of real life. It really happened, and I think fictionalizing the story would lose some of the impact the “realness” has.
ALK: Please tell us a little about the writing spaces or environments that work best for you. Are there particular items that you like to have in place?
SR: I prefer to write early in the morning, or late at night. Before the chaos of the world begins, or sometime after it ends. I do not like to write in a space with distractions. I’ve tried writing in a coffee shop, for example, when I was reaching a deadline and needed to get a change of scenery. But it just doesn’t work for me. Maybe it’s because of the seriousness of the subject I wrote about in Ghosts, in particular. I preferred the space I wrote in to be conducive to reaching an emotional space, and reflecting on my own thoughts and feelings. Writing in public, or on a sunny summer’s day just wasn’t possible. Because Ghosts was like a journal of sorts, I needed the space I wrote in to be private, secluded, and somber.
ALK: What do you consider to be the most important part of the writing process?
SR: I’m not sure I’m an expert on this topic, as I still do not consider myself to be a writer – at very least not a writer with any authority on the writing process in general but perhaps I can speak to my own process. What was important for me was to have a plan, and to know where I was going. When I started to realize Ghosts was turning into a book, and was no longer a personal space for reflection I started to plan it. It started with a rough outline of the chapters as a skeleton. I then filled in the skeleton with meat, so to speak, what points I wanted to address in each chapter – key memories I wanted to convey. Then I wrote in the connecting material, what I needed to move from key moment to key moment. Once I had a structure, the writing flowed quite effortlessly. I think the most important part of the writing process – for me, at least – is the planning phase. To know where one is going – what story they want to tell and the points along the way that will get them there.
ALK: How do you choose which aspects of a true story to emphasize?
SR: Because I lived these stories, and I am not giving an account of someone else’s perspectives, I selected what to emphasize based on what stood out in my memory most prominently. I wanted to share the moments in my experiences that made me cry, shudder, and hurt. The story I told is a story of my experiences, and I’m sure many others who have their own versions of these stories would emphasize different aspects. This is merely one man’s version. The aspects I emphasize are those that I couldn’t forget.
ALK: How was the title chosen for this book? Who had input and what were the deciding factors?
SR: The book’s title is The Ghosts that Haunt Me. Being haunted by ghost is what dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder feels like to me. As a police officer, from the time I was eighteen years old, I have seen a lot of traumatic things. After a while, the events you see, the screams you hear, and the tears you witness, start to follow you around. I still think about my experiences in homicide – and the victims of the homicides I investigated – nearly every day. In a way I am haunted. It isn’t a bad thing. I feel honored to have investigated the deaths of the victims whose murders I investigated. I feel honored I was able to play some role in finding justice for their families. Nevertheless, they are always with me. That is what the title of the book is in reference to.
Steve Ryan began his career with the Toronto police at eighteen years old. After nearly thirty years of policing — two thirds of that working as a detective — Steve retired and began a career with CP24 as a crime specialist. He now travels around the GTA reporting on crime. Steve lives in Toronto.